Let's talk about me for a minute (do we do much else around here?)
When I had my firstborn, she was mine from the first flutter. Even if I didn't recognize her at first sight, within a sleepless week or two, she was familiar. She was mine. Nobody earthly gave her to me.
And the twins, they were mine too. They came from me. I remember it...through a blaze of screams.
But this little one is a little different.
It's a unique feeling.
My attachment still grows like with the ones before.
If I am sitting somewhere without her I get giggly thinking about a reunion.
Sometimes when I hold her it’s like Christmas Eve. I have a baby!!!! I squeal inside. I have a BABY!!!
Still, it is different.
She was not mine from the beginning of her mortal existence.
I had to pay for her.
I had to hope and expect and wait, wait, wait for her.
Somebody had to give her up to me.
The other morning, at 6am, after only three hours of lovely, soft sleep all night long, I looked at her and thought,
By golly I am paying for you with every minute of sleep I sacrifice. When all is said and done, I earned you. You are mine and your dads!
I paid for you with time and patience and demands before you even came to earth.
Don’t you ever say you aren’t mine.
You ARE mine.
You were my goal.
You were my daily prayer.
I have paid for you with hours and hooouuurs of rocking and swaddling.
If we are part of eternity then I have already paid for you with the spills I will clean when you are two, and the food you'll throw back at me when you are three, and the hours of tantrums you'll have when you're four, and whatever drama I will play audience too when you are a teenager.
You belong to us.
Your oldest sister paid for you with the patience she lovingly bestows on every child in the family.
Your brother paid for you with the protection and concern that bubbled to his surface the moment he met you.
Your other sister paid for you by immediately offering you her most prized possession. Her place of honor on The Youngest Sibling Pedestal and all the awards that come with it.
You belong here even if you forget it.
You are mine.
Yeah - a bit too passionate for normal breakfast conversation.
Still, it's what I thought.
And then, truthfully, I thought of someone eternally more sacrificing, loving, and redeeming saying all that to little me.
Just to put things in perspective for 'ya.